It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.