*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
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GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Ion see the issue
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.