Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
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Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.