@birbigs Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
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@birbigs 
@Marcmywords2 Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
@Shenaniglenns Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
@PettyRuxpin83 what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
@AZHORSEMOM77 I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
@DurtMcHurtt Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
@Tommytoughstuff [Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
@david8hughes If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
@kelkulus Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
@Naked_Superman Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*