I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
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My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one