Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

ok like just. call me at this point

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say