Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
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Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Has there ever been a more American story?
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.