Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
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A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y