Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
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*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
You look like you would fail a DNA test
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.