Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
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My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
brian had himself a morning…
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.