Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
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Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.