*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
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My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.