the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
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WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?