At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
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Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys