[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
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I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.