Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
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18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
You have been warned.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me: