I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
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*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out