Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
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Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Me trying to “trust the process”
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Nothing.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids