Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
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children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”