children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
You Might Also Like
Who did it better?
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.