Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
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{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.