so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
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Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
The pasta is now
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.