Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
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can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
War & Peace
Birds & Planes.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
No one :
Me when I swimming :
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
This could be us, but you weedin’.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”