When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
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For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Who says great literature is dead?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car