the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
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Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭