how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
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[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Twitter fine art
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics