cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
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My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.