It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
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I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes