Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
You Might Also Like
Extremely relatable.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI