Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
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[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Finally!
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
A double negative is a big no-no.