You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
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5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Cool shirt 🙂
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.