cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
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Unimpressed
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.