“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
You Might Also Like
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
My dog ate my work from home.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”