ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
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I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
*Inspirational Tweets*
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!