[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
You Might Also Like
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Cashiers are always checking me out
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.