Cashiers are always checking me out
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My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here