Cashiers are always checking me out
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I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
There’s never enough good news
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Check out the legs on this baby
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out