Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
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on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle