on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
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Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Just a bush.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Kermit goes Blue.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.