Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
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Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Most fashion shows these days…
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.