Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
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My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
repaired
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
my fav colour is also hitler
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out