Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
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me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
This is my favorite one of these!
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing