Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
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5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court