It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
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A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
But wait…
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Just had my nails done!
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.