Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
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I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t