Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
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If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.