my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
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I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.