Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
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High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”