I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
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“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
no one likes gloating
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count