13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
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My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.