If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
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Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Note to self: I am a note
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