ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
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I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
kevin is now a local weatherman
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
You are what you delete.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.